FML – Fuck My Liver

Brett Favre’s recent allegations, over the semi-cyber-bullying that is sending a girl pictures of your penis, got me thinking about how guys nowadays are way too agressive. Did he think that this ploy would actually work? Has any girl ever thought to herself, “You know, I really wish some guy would send me pictures of his dick after I’ve blatantly ignored him multiple times”?  Guys, do not take Favre’s actions as motivation for you to try to swoon some girl in the same way. Girls can be had, and I’ve had many, so let’s take a trip through this story and see exactly how badly things went wong…er, wrong.

Wrong Move #1: Trying to Bang Your Coworker

Let me first say that I have banged a couple of coworkers and subordinates. And you might think, “Ace, you’re just a hypocrite then.” To which I would say, “Nay. I am just able to speak on this matter from experience.” Look, this isn’t some sort of golden rule and I’m sure plenty of coworkers have hooked up and there have been no problems. But in this instance, it was dumb of Favre (a major celebrity) to think that he could just get with a smoking-hot reporter for the same employer without anyone finding out. The main point to take away from this is that you need to use caution. Women are a conniving bunch that will use their sexiness as a weapon to gain special attention, free meals/gifts, and favors. If you’re in a position of power, there will always be people looking to take you down. Don’t make it easy for them.

Wrong Move #2: Getting the Digits Without Asking

The art of getting a girls number is a game. You need to do something witty, funny, romantic, etc. in order to draw their attention. Then you need to convince them that you’re the type of guy that they would want to get with, no matter what type of guy that is. Once they approve, and you ask for their number, they’ll gladly hand it over. You first have to pass the “creep test”. But as soon as you circumvent the game and get her digits without asking for them, you are immediately placed at the top of that list and she’ll be on an Amber alert. The fact that you went around her back to get her number shows that you’re mischievous, creepy, and not confident. A girl isn’t going to be impressed by your detective skills, but will want to know why you needed it so badly that you couldn’t ask her yourself. Bad move Brett.

Wrong Move #3: Repeatedly Leaving Raunchy Voicemails

To belabor the point above, the girl is already going to be freaked out by the fact that you got her number without asking. Now she knows you have it. You call and she doesn’t answer, so you say something dumb like, “Hey Jenn, this is Sergio. I, uh, got your number through, um, a mutual friend that, uh, said we should talk. Figured I would see what you were, um, getting into this weekend. Call me!”  She’s already pissed that you got her number without asking and figures that maybe you’ll be a little upfront with her the next time you see her. So she doesn’t respond (and no girl, in their right mind, would). So you call a few more times: “Jenn, it’s Sergio again! Haha. I wasn’t sure if you got my last few message since I haven’t heard from you, so here you go again. Kisses!” This continues as you get more and more vulgar and raunchy with your messages, like she’s playing some sort of hard-to-get. She’ll just get freaked out and become less and less likely to call you back, while becoming more and more likely to call the cops. Even if I looked past the first couple of voicemails (which were extremely gay, Sergio), you guys have to realize that you’re leaving what you say onto a recorded device! You can’t call back and erase it or say that it wasn’t you. And it’s not going anywhere. Soon, all of her friends will know and you will lose all credibility with anyone they know. And if you’re a super-celebrity that’s always in the news, it’s even likelier to make it public. Come on, this is common sense.

Wrong Move #4: Sending Pictures of Your Penis

Everyone knows Favre’s legacy as a gunslinger, but this puts it in a whole new perspective. I mean, pulling out all the tricks in the book on one girl is bad enough. But when nothing is working and you’re on fourth-and-ridiculously-long, it’s time to punt. You don’t just throw up a hail mary like sending pictures of your dick. It’s time to put your tail, or penis, between your legs and go home. This is never, ever, ever going to turn out in your favor. And one report indicates that he was masturbating in one picture with crocs on. What the hell? This dude is forty-one and hasn’t learned the tricks yet. All of this is common sense guys. Don’t make the same mistakes Favre has made (such as getting married in the first place) and use your tool wisely. It’s good if yours is camera-shy.

But if anyone has Jenn’s number, feel free to inbox it to me! Fuck my liver.