Fuck My Liver

Month: October          Venue: Baltimore, Outdoor Wedding          Main Draw: Open Bar

Some of my closest college friends and I head to Baltimore to watch one of our boys take the plunge.  It’s a Sunday wedding, so the open bar kicks off at a crisp 1:00pm start time.  We start slow, but begin slamming drinks later as the bartenders are hooking us up.  If you watched me, you may have thought that I was on a video playback loop: drink, dance floor, drink, smoke, drink, repeat.  By the final gun at 5:00pm, we’re all pretty buzzed, but still fairly coherent.

The wedding party (which included all of us guys) decided to head to downtown Baltimore in our limo to watch the football games and continue to drink.  Upon arrival, we all order food and drinks.  I can’t comprehend exactly how many drinks/shots were had between us, but there were a lot.  Around 8:30pm, most of the bridal party left except for four of us.  The Hoss actually introduced us to a few girls, and then slipped into blackout mode and had to leave.  He will be detailing his night in Part 2.

Another friend and I continue talking to these three girls.  We quickly commit to the ones that are feeling us the most and continue to buy drinks and shots.  We were beyond drunk.  We actually even stepped outside to use mouthwash cause we knew these girls were feeling on us so hard.  (On a side note, there is no better outfit to wear to the bar than matching tuxedos without the jacket after a wedding.  It takes you up about three notches in a girl’s mind.)  Sure enough, not too much later, we’re those guys: making out with these girls we just met in the bar.  The girl that did not have someone to slow grind against started to get irritated and wanted to leave.  Around midnight, we decide that it’s time to go.  The girls invite us to hang out at their place since we would just be going back to the hotel anyways.

There was a near disaster at one point, as the lonely friend did not want to take us all back with her.  The girl that I was hooking up with (Laura) basically got in a shouting match with her friend about driving us all back.  “He’s coming back with us!  I don’t care if you don’t want to drive!  My car is at your place, so just take us there and I’ll drive us back to my place!”  Finally, and reluctantly, her friend agrees to drive us.

Once back to her place, they give us the tour.  My boy stops with his girl downstairs for some more making out, but couldn’t get it any further.  After another drink there, Laura is ready to head back to her place.  Unfortunately for my friend, he couldn’t convince his girl to join us.  So just the three of us get in the car.  This girl is blasted.  I mean, she hasn’t drank nearly as much as us, but she is flying on the highway, right through a construction zone.  This obviously didn’t bother me since I was heading back to her place to get some (and not the one driving).

Luckily, her place was about a mile away from our hotel.  That ride saves us about $70 that The Hoss had to pay to get back.  Once we arrive at her apartment, she gives us the quick tour and I head to her bedroom.  My friend is forced to sleep on the couch right outside her bedroom door.  I convince her to give me a backrub for a bit and then get things started.  I work her over for about an hour before passing out.  The next morning she takes my friend and I back to the hotel where we hear about The Hoss’s story.  Fuck my liver.

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