Baltimore Wedding: Part Two (The Blackout)
Posted by The Hoss on 1/22/10 • Categorized as Blackouts • 
Stumble It!
Let me start off by saying, marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. Really, it isn’t. But if you are some kind of deviant, marriage won’t help that.
Back Story
My buddy, Tate, was a complete man-whore in college. How he earned the nickname “Nasty”:
- Threesomes with no rubbers in Cancun (they looked safe) – the one girl was also “bouncing” between him and his buddy at the same time
- Kissing and getting head off a girl who already blew some one else earlier that night (not in Cancun)
- He took more STD tests than I took tests in college
- Cheated on every girlfriend
- Got caught cheating on every girlfriend
- Strongly believed “fucking five 2’s is the equivalent to a 10″
Tate decided he is old enough now that his next move should be marriage. He found a nice Jewish girl (he’s catholic) who could possibly stand him the rest of his life. I mean they took care of a dog together and he lived in her house… Wedding bells were about to be rung.
The Wedding
Ace and I rent our tuxes and make the trip down south. Now I had a girlfriend, and unlike Ace, I’m not scummy. So the wedding to me has no appeal but getting drunk. I started the morning off with a mimosa and a $20 tip to our open-bar bartender. You can guess how the rest of the day went.
By 5PM it was time to head down town as Ace said. We took a limo ride to Baltimore and roll into the bar in tuxes, and the bride even has her wedding dress on. I put down my bank card and the shots and drinks flow.
We are in a city where a) no one knows who we are b) we have freaking tuxes on. It’s impossible to have trouble talking to girls. I walked up to a group of decent girls and asked them how they liked my hair, as I had recently been growing it longer. I opened it up and then called in the closer… and this is where I black out.
The rest of this story is from other people telling me what happened.
The Black-Out
It’s always time to leave the bar when you pull the move I did. Someone walked up to the group and congratulated the bride and said how cool it was we were all out so, I pulled out my lighter and lit it an inch from his face… So… a friend and I apparently hopped into a cab. We take the cab to our hotel, and I guess I fell asleep on the way home.
We get to our hotel, and my friend pays and then walks into the hotel and can’t find me. Seconds later he hears a women scream. She runs into the hotel absolutely terrified and claims there is a man in her car. They start to call the police when my friend intervened and said he might know who it is. Sure enough, I was already passed out in her backseat.
He grabbed me and threw me inside, where I immediately went to the hotel bar to buy two beers and double-fist. Realizing I don’t have my cell phone (I left it in the cab), I got the urge to call my girlfriend. I went to the room where I kept trying to dial out. The front desk person at the hotel would keep answering, and I would keep saying the same thing “How do I dial out?” She’d tell me and I’d hang up, and then I’d call her again. She said I called ten times.
I figured out that I don’t actually know my girlfriend’s new cell phone number… but I know my brother has it. I placed 20 calls to my brother trying to get the number. He didn’t answer a single call.
The people at the front desk were telling stories about me all morning. I was the talk of the Hyatt…I owed $120 for the phone bill… but it’s all good, because I accidentally put my expired debit card down at the bar and didn’t have to pay the $200+ tab. The guy who didn’t get laid in Ace’s story had to HA HA!
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reminds me of savannah…memories