FML – Fuck My Liver

In college, one of my roommates had a ridiculously hot girl friend.  She was 5’4, blonde hair, tight body.  They weren’t an item or anything, but they hung out all the time.  She came over to our place to hang out a few times and have dinner with us.  I never thought I had a chance with her and always acted as the arrogant prick that I am around her.

So one night, she comes over to my apartment as my friends and I are getting started with the weekend festivities.  She’s looking like a million bucks when she comes in.  I invite her to join us on our evening out.  But her and my roommate have other plans and they decline.  As soon as they are out the door, I tell my friends that I’m going to get that tonight.  They laugh hysterically and abuse me for making such a ridiculous comment.

We finish the pregame and head to the bar.  The banter continues as my friends list all the reasons that I would never get her, especially in one night.  At the end of our night out, we return to my apartment hammered.  Well this girl is there as well with my roommate, hanging out.  I’m who-knows-how-many beers deep and the confidence takes over.  I start chatting her up and flirting.  Then we head to my room…

My friends are in complete disbelief.  I may have tripped on a jaw on our way to the room.  We get in and lock the door.  Making out begins and we hit the bed.  She asks me to put on some music and then we get back to it.  My friends start banging on the door.  Assholes, right?  “Ace, I need to get my stuff!”, yells one friend.  Too bad for him. 

Shirts are gone now.  She tells me that she won’t have sex with me on the first night, but she heads south.  She starts going at it, and she’s fucking good.  Maybe fifteen minutes in, BANG!  One friend shoulders through my locked door.  Upon seeing her blowing me, he freezes up like a deer in headlights.  He immediately grabs the door and shuts it.  Yeah, I fucking called it. She finishes me off and spends the night.  She would end up turning into my ex two years later, that lead to this event. Should’ve known, right? Fuck my liver.