FML – Fuck My Liver

In college, some of my friends and I went to a local watering hole where nearly everyone was underage.  We pregamed beforehand and I rolled in with the hopes of taking someone home.  We’re all at the bar doing our usual routine: rounds of shots.  On this particular night, there were a lot of people we knew in attendance, so socializing throughout was a breeze.

I’m talking to a couple of girl friends when another one comes up and says that her friend (we’ll call her Jaws) told her that she wanted to fuck me.  Not a bad way to start the evening.  She was decent and most guys would have grabbed her and left right then.  But I wanted to play it cool, and keep drinking, so I acted like I hadn’t heard anything yet.

We continued to drink and in the meantime, two other people came up and said that Jaws was telling everyone that she wanted to fuck me.  Okay, now it’s starting to seem like desperation on her part, which is highly unattractive to me.  I figure that I have something in my back pocket, but will keep searching for more of a challenge.

The end of the night approaches and I have no better offers or leads, so I ask Jaws to come back to my place to ‘afterparty’.  Of course, she accepts.  We get back and have another drink and go to my room.  We start getting frisky and making out as clothes are getting pulled off.  Then she says, “We can have sex if you want to.”  Are you kidding me?  Of course we can, but you don’t say that.  I couldn’t have been more turned off.  But I wasn’t so turned off that I wouldn’t have sex.  Come on.

So we start going at it and she just fucking lays there.  I mean she’s not moving at all.  I don’t know if she’s bored or I killed her.  She went completely dead fish on me.  Needless to say, I didn’t end up getting off and let her head home.  I grab a beer and rehash the events in my mind.  She wanted to come home with me, not the other way around.  She should’ve been bouncing off the walls.  I hadn’t heard complaints before, but did I just not do it for her?

A week later, we’re at another party and she wants it again.  Game on.  I’m going to bring my A-game this time.  We head into my boy’s room and get at it.  Same fucking thing.  She just lays there again.  She makes noises like she’s enjoying it, but doesn’t put the physicality into it.  I truck through it and make sure to at least get off this time.  Worst lay ever.  We get back to the party and I pour a strong one.  Fuck my liver.