Fuck My Liver

September time, perfect tailgating weather aka perfect liver hazing weather. Started early, balls to the wall, drinking Jager like Taylor Swift’s bath water.

I would do my best impression of this douche bag in this video, without the whining of course.  Got billy clubbed, tazed, and spent the night in jail on the sabbath, and still made it to my internship Monday morning!

Ok, flash forward and it’s game time.  I am in full brown out mode, you know just before the complete black out, so you sort of remember things… but not until people remind you.  Yeah that stage.

I paid my admission to a bar with a deck, and being Mr. Drunk Socialite, I was walking on and off the deck, just doing my best Macho Man ducking under the security ropes.

Well, security caught on, cops took me outside, and I crossed the street.  Cop said “Get the fuck out of here” and I smuggly replied “Or What?”

Fuck me (hard).

I had one hand cuffed and police were thrownin’ bows’ like Ludacris before I could even shart my pants.  I’m resisting arrest, and demanding how my comment would subject me to this.  I got my answer in the form of fifty fucking thousand volts.

Jail. Awesome. My highlights include a crackhead asking me to count his push ups for him, some guy is asking if he can use my watch for bail, and bologna sandwiches.

The parental unit got a chuckle at my 7am call for a ride to work.  Nothing better than asking your mom to grab you from the county jail before she goes to work. The worst, she wasn’t even worried that I had disappeared and never talked to anyone during the game.

I had to wear long sleeves to cover my handcuff bruises, but I put on my best corporate face and hoped I wasn’t sweating deer blood. Fuck my liver, but mostly just fuck me.

You might also like

The xXx Bottle Race There was a weekend in college when a lot of people were out of town for the holidays and the weather...

Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls… This past Saturday night was the annual Theta Chi Tacky Christmas Sweater Party.  As the night started...

Golfing, Drinking, but mostly Drinking Waking up in the morning is usually a good thing.  Waking up in the morning to drink is an even...

My Blazer Didn’t Get Me Laid, It Did Much Better Another Saturday night at the restaurant had let out and Sergio was trying to get it.  The problem...