FML – Fuck My Liver

A while back, Sergio and I decided to go to a bar that we usually don’t hang around at.  It is a decently upscale bar with an older crowd.  We were waiting on The Hoss’s arrival because he had a few ladies in his group that were going to be joining us.  Hmm, what to do while we wait?

Sergio knew the bartender and this guy decided to make our drinks decently strong.  We downed quite a few cocktails, along with shots, before The Hoss showed up.  Much to our dismay, he was only with his girl.  What the fuck?  We continue to drink, although we are visibly drunk.

I see a couple of ladies by the bar and one seems to be giving me ‘the eyes’.  Although they appear to be older, I’m a social guy, and decide to approach.  In the conversation, one tells me that she is forty-four.  I’m unfazed.  Some flirting goes on with this cougar and it’s not long until I ask her if she wants to leave.  She agrees, I tell my boys not to wait up, and we head back to her hotel.  Once back, we go into her room to see that her friend is already on the bed having sex with some other dude.  Damn it.  We leave the room.  “Let’s take it back to my place,” I tell her.

She makes the ten minute drive back and I throw on a little music.  We start with some conversation.  She tells me that she has a boyfriend, but he is in Denver at the time and they have an “open” relationship.  I have no idea what to expect.  I had never been with a girl in her thirties, let alone forties.  We get to making out and feeling up.  Dry humping commences.  Then I try to slide my hand down her pants and she stops me.  “I’m not going to have sex when I’m drunk,” she tells me.  Even with my sly talk and persuasion, she won’t give in.  Negotiations are had for a solid fifteen minutes, but she won’t budge.  I’m obviously drunk and realize that it isn’t going to happen.  Disgruntled, I turn over and pass out.

She leaves at 7am the next morning and asks if I will take her number.  I tell her, “Of course”, but have no intentions of calling.  She makes me give her mine as well.  She texts me later that week telling me that I should ask her on a date.  I respond with the fact that I don’t take girls on dates.  She asks me why not, and I haven’t texted back since.  Fuck my liver.