Fuck My Liver

In the corporate jungle you’re going to meet many people, and many drunks.  You’d think people quit the sauce after college… but they don’t.  Some just get better at concealing it. Learn how to spot my six favorite drunks at your office, and be sure to add your own in the comments below.

The Holier Than Thou

This asshole is usually at management level or maybe even senior management level.  He scoffs at the idea of happy hour with his fellow employees.  Drinking with the pawns is beneath him. Don’t dare come in 15-30 minutes late after a home playoff game, because he notices and makes note.

Most likely he was an average looking booze-hound in college, pulled a half-way attractive wife, and reformed his ways… or did he?

Because he has an ego, he thinks he can hang with the big boys when he does venture out on a weekday.  But that’s where he fails.  Because the next day when he shows up late for that Friday morning meeting it looks like he grabbed his shirt and khakis off the floor, and he is gripping his ice tea tighter than Sergio Garcia.

Bonus points: If he doesn’t show up, and you print out a company time-off sheet and put it on his chair with a “hope you feel better!”

Marty, The One Man Party

This guy is usually around the age of 35-40 years old, non-management.  Rocks skinny jeans, acts young, rents an apartment close to the city, and most typically the creative type.  He is out every night… every single night, alone. The problem is Marty is like the unicorn of office drunks, there aren’t many like him, and I think he likes it like that.

His signature move is taking his summer vacation not to travel, but to booze at the local watering holes for two weeks.  I shit you not, the Marty I knew did this.  Awwwwwkkkkkward running into him one night.

The Marty may have once been a All About a Good Time Guy.

All About A Good Time Guy

A true bachelor, never misses a happy hour, corporate picnic, or anything where drinking is involved. He shuts down the Holiday party and is the first to entertain clients or out of town employees. Generally well liked at work, very social, and has swagger.

You always know he is drinking, because he is updating his Facebook status constantly with “What’s good for tonight?” and every picture of him has smoke and neon signs in the back. His diet is usually Miller Lite, Camel Lights, and Chinese for lunch.  Dinner just weighs him down.

While he is all about a good time, he is out constantly scouting for the Floozie hoping for a Yoga session (aka boning).  Drinking is fun, but girls are better and they go hand in hand so he might as well get fucked up.  Look for the consta-five-o’clock shadow.

Bonus: when he doesn’t drink, he lets you know but… remains cool:

The Floozie

These come in many shapes and sizes.  They aren’t only the attractive ones, but it’s definitely better when they are.  They’ve most likely spread their way through high school and college and the corporate world is just the next step.

She’s had more bodies on her than a cadaver table and she’s generally not ashamed of it.  You most likely aren’t the first to get a crack at that ass unless you scouted her when she was an intern.  She’ll flirt with you on the company instant messenger like it’s AOL in high school and ask questions like “Hey QT – What’s going on tonight!?”

They love happy hour, attention,  shots and… dick. Hang around her long enough and you’ll most likely end up in the right place at the right time when she needs some.

Straight Getting Killed Dude

Starts early, starts hard, and doesn’t let up.  Very social, usually younger and new to the corporate world, and treats it more like class than work.   Bartenders know him and hook him up, because  he most likely only frequents a few places to spend his paycheck.

Drinking to 4 AM and ripping Bo-Go’s (buy one get one packs of smokes) on a Wednesday is nothing to him.  Even more surprising is he can be awake and at work by 9AM, though he might not be completely functional until 10:30AM.  This comes from years of practice and a strong internal motor.

Be careful of early morning meetings, the whiskey on his breathe will singe your eye lashes.

The Secret Drunk (and/or Stoner)

Most likely climbing the ranks of corporate ladder and can’t afford a negative reputation.  The only way you know about him, is he use to be a Happy Hour Hero or a lesser version of the All About a Good Time Guy. This person won’t drink with people from work anymore, and will attend corporate functions and keep it under wraps. Intelligent and savvy, they wouldn’t dare compromise their reputation for a shot of whiskey… they’ll just leave early for that.

Most likely you have no idea that he uses Miller Lite for a  sleeping aid.  And how do you know he blazes?  The Jimi Hendrix and Grateful Dead on his iPod is a dead give away.  Spotting this one is hard.

How To Spot 6 Kinds of Office Drunks5.053

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