FML – Fuck My Liver

This story is the beginning of how I ended up getting with Randi from Threesome FAIL.

As mentioned in that story, we actually met in college and dated for a few weeks.  After some time going out, she revealed to me that she was a virgin.  We had hooked up multiple times and I was kind enough to go down on her.  And I didn’t mind at all.  She was a decent brunette with a killer body.  Unfortunately, she wouldn’t return that favor.  Let’s just say that the relationship didn’t last too long.  Maybe a year later, I ran into her again and we started talking and flirting.  I even stayed over at a hotel with her one drunken night and ended up going down on her again while her friend was in the adjacent bed.  Needless to say, she still wasn’t willing to go down on me.  The most I could get was a handjob, but honestly, who can get off to a handjob?  I can take care of that by myself.

So, a couple of years after that encounter, I ran into her yet again.  She was still looking good and we decided to exchange numbers again.  It’s obvious that she is still into me.  But she was always looking for a boyfriend and I wasn’t going to be that to her.  I had heard, in the meantime, that she had finally broken her virgin vows.  Now was my chance to strike gold.  I realized that if I wanted to sleep with this girl, then I would have to play the boyfriend type to her, even if it was only a sham.  I had tickets to see a comedy show the upcoming weekend and no eligible cadidates to take.  I figured that I might as well take her.  This would qualify as the “date” she was looking for and I would get to watch comedy and get drunk without much conversation.  She was an extremely intelligent girl, but not when it came to real-world stuff.  She was book-smart and that’s it. 

So the night arrives, I pick her up, and we head to the show.  We get there early so that we can get good seats and order dinner.  The conversation actually turned out to be pleasant.  The comedy show begins and I’m slamming Miller Lites from a bucket.  She’s drinking something fruity and I make sure that they keep flowing.  After the show, we head to a club to meet up with a friend and continue the night.  We’re both drunk by midnight and decide to head back to her place.

Once back, she just wants to eat.  I just want to get into the sack.  She makes some food, so I help myself to her roommate’s vodka and make a screwdriver.  Twenty minutes later, we head to bed.  We are making out and things are progressing the way they always used to.  I go down on her and come back up.  She asks me if I have a condom.  I know you’re thinking, “Come on, Ace. You surely don’t.”  But you would be wrong.  I came prepared knowing that if I was going to fuck this girl she wouldn’t let me go without one.  She seems a little timid, but once we get going, she’s riding me hard.  You could tell that she hadn’t had very much sex in her life and was making up for lost time.  About ten mintues in, I’m already losing steam.  Drunk + Condom = No Feeling.  I tell her that I can’t feel anything.  She’s so into it, she’s letting her inhibitions go.  “Take it off then,” she tells me.  I never figured that it would take four years to fuck this girl, but it was worth it.  I finish and pass out almost immediately after.  Fuck my liver.