FML – Fuck My Liver

My boy had been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks and she worked for Hooters.  She was a good-looking girl and I figured that I could leech at least one friend off her.  Sure enough, she arranged for one of her friends to meet us out.  Having the mutual connection of my friend and her friend helped us get off on the right track.

My friend and I went to the bar a little earlier in the evening since they weren’t meeting us until they got off work.  Straight from work, and after we were quite a few deep, they met us out.  Casual conversation started and it wasn’t long until I realized that this girl was dumb as a brick.  I mean, there’s no possible way for me to stress exactly how stupid this girl was.

Fuck it.  I’m housing beers left and right and almost force-feeding her shots.  I mean, she seems interested in me, but I have absolutely no interest in what she was saying.  The only thing going for her was her looks.  I would’ve let her blow me right there in front of everyone at the bar just so she would stop talking.

Finally, it’s time to head home.  I invite her back to my place, but she says that since she came with her friend, she can’t leave her.  My buddy doesn’t want her just tagging along with them, so he invites us all back to his place for an afterparty.  We get back and have some more drinks.  The conversation can be compared to having a root canal.  Simply painful.

It’s getting late, so my friend takes his girl to his room.  Being just the two of us, I’m quick to get to hooking up.  This would be the most overmatched conversation ever.  She tries to talk and I go for it.  We start making out.  Then she pushes me back.  “I don’t know.  I don’t really know you and I just met you tonight.”  I try to bullshit my way around it.  Then she drops, “Do you even remember my name?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.  I don’t.  I have no idea.  I didn’t care to know it when we were out and I ended up getting pretty drunk.  It looks like all will be lost when I decide to pull a power move.  Still sitting next to her, I go in to start making out with her again.  She’s fine with it and I’m flabbergasted.  I don’t even give her a chance to say anything else the rest of the way.  We get naked and I end up fucking her on my friends couch. 

Not wanting her to ask more questions that I don’t know, I make some bullshit excuse for why I have to leave, grab a beer from the fridge, and take the fifteen minute walk home afterwards.  Fuck my liver.