FML – Fuck My Liver

Fuck what people say about buying your friends, being in a fraternity has its serious advantages, like pulling freshmen sorority girls.

It’s 2005, and I am enjoying my first senior year in college. The AIM game still works, Desperate Housewives is a hit show, and everyone wants a piece of Eva Longoria. While she is obviously out of my league, the freshmen sorority girl who could be a 19 year old version is not. I shit you not, she could have been a clone of her.

I think Johnny Drama said it best “you plant the seed, then you fuck the plant.” My fraternity buddy needs a date to the formal, and I know the perfect date.  He’s concerned so I tell him “I swear I am not going to snake your date” …. haha not.

In my defense, my buddy made it really easy. On the 3 hour ride to the hotel he doesn’t let her listen to any of the music she likes, he insists on classical rock. He doesn’t even ask her what kind of alcohol she’d like to drink. C’mon, this girl isn’t rocket science, she likes bubble gum, lip gloss, and puppy dogs.

Flash forward to the formal, and I win some sort of award for outstanding dedication to my fraternity… sweet I guess. I take it as my cue to act like the MVP and just start getting shots for said lady. I might even have requested her a song, I don’t know my memory is fuzzy. Fuck it, who cares, I was in full celebration mode and beating my liver like it owes me money and she loved it.

My night was not going to be complete without seeing her silhouette in my sheets. After the formal ended we head back together to my room. We are supposed to get changed so we can go out with everyone to the bars. That doesn’t happen.

No lie, I pull off her underwear, and I see something like this:

… Fuck it.  I hope I didn’t eat it.

Bravo:

and

I wasn’t the only one to enjoy a night with Eva, part two coming from Ace… and then a part three.