FML – Fuck My Liver

Almost exactly one year ago (on the 4th of July), my friend and I decided to have a party at his place.  It was put together ridiculously late and with hardly any planning.  Needless to say, there were only a few of us in attendance.  A few girlfriends of mine came in from out of town for the weekend and were staying at my place.  Let me preface the story by saying one of them was sort of my “out-of-town girlfriend”.  If we visited each other, then we were together and expecting to hook up.  And when we weren’t together, we did our own thing and didn’t talk much.  We’ll call her Penny.

My buddy and I went and picked up a keg in the morning, along with food to grill, since we didn’t know exactly how many people would be there.   The party was fairly tame in the beginning.  We grilled out and played beer pong, the usual holiday party atmosphere.  After about five hours of drinking beer, the party was about to take a shift.  One of my boys brings over a bottle of Rumpelmintz (100-proof peppermint liquor).  One of the best ways to get things going at a party is with Peppermint Patties.  One person sits in a chair and tilts their head back with their mouth open.  Another person stands over them and pours a nickel-sized amount of chocolate syrup into their mouth, followed by a shot of Rumpelmintz (or Peppermint Schnapps).  They swish it around and swallow and it tastes like, you guessed it, a Peppermint Patty.

Another hour goes by and we’ve killed the bottle.  This takes everyone involved from 0-60 and we decide that it’s time to hit the bar scene.  Everywhere is absolutely packed.  We finally settle on a bar a few blocks away.  Too packed to walk around, we get drinks and head upstairs where we can sit down and bullshit.  Mostly ball-busting and drinking continues for another two hours.  Some of the people with us get separated and my friend that had the party just rolled home.

A few of us head to a dance club nearby.  We order more drinks and go upstairs to overlook the dance floor for a bit. I’m standing behind Penny and suddenly she goes limp.  I mean, this girl went from fun-and-drunk to passing-out-and-drunk in less than a minute.  This all-day drinkfest was coming to a close quickly.  My night gets cut short since I have to take care of Penny and her friends.

We start walking back to the car and Penny is all over the place.  She’s stumbling out into the street and going the wrong direction.  I am trying to help her walk, and she’s yelling at me, “Get the fuck off me! You’re not my boyfriend! I know what I’m doing!”  We finally get back to the car, and she won’t get in.  It’s her car, but I have the keys (and am the only one in any condition to drive).  “Give me my fucking keys!  This is my car!  Let me drive!  It’s my car!  I’m not going anywhere with you! I’m fine to drive!”  My patience starts to run thin.  Then she threatens to walk back to the bar.  I tell her to get in before a cop sees us and fucks everyone’s day.  After five minutes of non-sense, she finally gets in and I drive us home.

Once back, I have to help her up the stairs to my place and she starts yelling about how hungry she is.  I tell her that I have some snacks she can have, but that’s not good enough for her.  She wants to go to the diner that’s a quarter-mile from my apartment.  I try reasoning with her, but to no avail.  She argues with me to give her the keys so that she can go, but I refuse and hide them.  This girl shouldn’t even be awake, let alone driving anywhere.  She tells me to go fuck myself and delievers some other unpleasantries.  She tells me that she’s just going to walk there and leaves.  ‘Fuck this’, I think to myself and lie down.

After about four minutes, guilt overwhelms me.  I head out the door to go catch her and bring her back.  I get out my door and see her.  She’s passed out in the parking lot of my complex.  She made it maybe 20 yards from the door.  Feeling sympathetic, I wake her up and bring her inside.  She immediately passes out as soon as we hit the bed.  Fuck my liver.