FML – Fuck My Liver

This past Saturday night was the annual Theta Chi Tacky Christmas Sweater Party.  As the night started out, the majority of the people were downstairs as an assortment of goodies and non-alcoholic drinks were being served. My, what I like to call, Wesleyan family, however was keeping tradition by not participating in the Christmas pregame but was just a floor above slamming shots and playing drinking games. Mind you, it’s 5pm. I had prior arrangements and was unable to attend until approximately 8:30pm. I, being completely sober, walked up the stairs and could smell the sweet fraternity aroma of spilled drinks on the floor and body sweat from ugly sweater wearing drunks. As I’m greeted with shouts and hugs, it only takes me a second to recognize everyone is completely wasted.

“Sting Ray”, a fellow brother whom was a member of the second floor drinking brigade, was ridiculously shwasted sporting classic red and white tube socks, Christmas boxer shorts with suspenders and a Christmas hat. It’s freezing outside, but that didn’t matter, obviously. Drunken karaoke was the least embarrassing thing that happened to this 6’2” shaggy haired sophomore. As we are inside trying to stay warm, we happen to look out the window as Sting Ray is streaking to the library which is 200 yards away (around 10pm.) When Sting Ray returned, he proceeded to strut around the yard doing the party boy dance –Christmas Edition naked. (Somebody obviously watched the Victoria’s Secret fashion show the week before.)  He finally put his clothes… the little he had, back on.

As the night rolls along, a few of us go upstairs to get our coats for a smoke break and both doors are locked to the room containing our coats. Our other friend that lives at the house, who was also heavily intoxicated, starts kung fu-ing the door with both of his feet. Finally, after about 10 minutes it finally comes open. Well looky here – It’s Sting Ray pulling his santa boxers up. We were really confused until I heard jingling, and running that sounded stampede-like, going into the bathroom. I only knew one person that had jingling bells on and could make that heavy of a sound on the flooring; It’s Kara Wright (Fat bitch). Obviously something had just gone down (Kara) most likely to the tune of “Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle (Kara) goes alllll the wayyy.”

Anyway, when we went downstairs, our other friend Alex is really upset. Not only did his dad die a couple weeks ago, he’s infatuated and absolutely in love with Kara and they’ve been “talking” for about a month. I’ve never seen someone so depressed or lose a hard on that quick. Good job Kara! My best friends Laura and Katie (drunk and high out of their fucking minds) try to console Alex outside on the porch, reassuring him Kara’s mouth was no longer up to his dick’s standard.  Then my friends hear Miley’s anthem, “Party in the USA” playing and bolt inside to dance.  (Sorry Alex!)

Fast forward to the walk back to the dorms. As we pass the Chapel, we see Sting Ray walking back toward Theta Chi.  We said hi and noticed he was swaying with his legs at a wider stance to keep balance. “Sting Ray, I’m happy you changed into warm clothes after you went streaking!”  “I did what?” He had the most confused look on his face and legit did not know he had been naked. “Didn’t you remember being in Kez’s room with the door locked with Kara? WHAT HAPPENED!?” I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically as he stated, “Who’s Kara?”

Fast forward to after the Christmas Concert where Kara sang from her filthy dick sucking lips. As we passed her when it was over, my friend Laura gave her a quick – “Good job Kara” then Me “Good Job Kara!” then Katie – “Good Job Kara!” and under her breath… “sucking Sting Rays dick!”

Fuck Sting Ray’s liver.