FML – Fuck My Liver

Years ago some friends from my hometown and I went to the beach.  This was actually the same time, but a different night, that We Need Some Hoes occured.  We started nice and early with some pregaming of course.  Within hours we were blasted.  Playing random drinking games with mixed drinks instead of beers will do that to you.

We decide to head to the trendier club in town.  It had all the usual necessities of a beach club: sand, bands, and drunk women.  Only one of my friends felt like coming out so we made sure to imbibe our fair share after we got there.  Since a round of shots was only two drinks, let’s just say we ordered lots of rounds.  Leanin’, it’s time to hit the dance floor.

After a couple of failed attempts, I find my most likely “candidate” on the floor.  We start dancing and hit it off.  The rest of the evening, as far as the club is concerned, is a blur.  I’m sure I bought her some drinks and showed her that some white guys actually can dance.  As the club is shutting down, I invite her to come back to our beach place.  She tells me that she shouldn’t spend the night cause she has a boyfriend.  But then she agrees to join me for a drink with my promise to take her home later in the evening.  Obviously that was an empty promise, but it’s a bait tactic.  I drive the three of us back to our house.

Once back, we order some pizza and pour more drinks.  After that, we hit the couch to watch a movie.  We start getting close and making out.  I’m feeling her up and down as we’re both in a daze.  She stops me to tell me that she has to use the bathroom.  We’ve been drinking so it doesn’t surprise me that she has to pee.  About five minutes go by and she’s not back yet.  I figure that she must be squatting one out, which while gross, is believable.  Then ten minutes pass and I decide that I better see what’s up.  I head to the bathroom and knock on the door.  No answer.  I tell her that I’m coming in.

I swing the door open to reveal her passed out on the floor with vomit all over the toilet and side of the tub.  Let me quickly add that this was not a classy house either.  It was alright, but it was filthy.  The mere thought of her sleeping on the floor almost made me puke.  I try to wake her up, but she’s done for.  Being that I don’t know this girl and don’t have time for this shit (especially since I realized that I would not be getting laid), I head back to the couch and pass out.

She wakes up in the morning before anyone else and cleans everything up, including herself.  She wakes me and asks why I didn’t help.  Of course I tell her that I must of passed out and didn’t even realize that she was gone.  She asks if I can drive her home and awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the ride.  I drop her off a block away from her boyfriend’s place so he can deal with that mess.  Fuck my liver.