FML – Fuck My Liver

Used to have a friend with benefits that would be the recipient of all my 2 am calls and vice versa.  Her name was Alicia and she was a student at a neighboring college.  Not the best looking girl in the world, but looks don’t seem to matter when I’m stuttering drunk.

My experience with “fuck buddies” is that they don’t last as long as you think they would.  One person ends up getting attached (her) and wants a serious relationship (haha, yeah right).  That is precisely what happened in our case.  Did I fail to mention that she was also into chicks?

Believe me, I tried to push the threesome like any curious male filled with raging hormones.

One summer night, she invited me to her friend’s house party that was right down the street from my apartment.  Boy, did I feel out of place.  It was a house filled with service industry nobodies approaching 30.  She knew everyone from bartending and was already half in the bag when I arrived.

Sergio wasted no time in hitting the bottle in an attempt to catch up.  Trying my best to fit in, I began mingling with the wastes of lives on the back porch.  Alicia had been gone, inside the house for a noticeable amount of time and I began to wonder.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her take off running, holding the hand of some unknown person.  They disappeared into the woods and I was like “WTF?”  Having already seen enough at this point, Sergio was ready to call it a night and drove home.  Fucking bitch continued blowing up my phone minutes later, must have called 20 times.  Figuring this would happen, I had continued to drink at my place.

Finally, I picked up, “Yes, I’ll come get you.”  All that alcohol she consumed had me thinking she would have been ready to fuck.  Apparently that was a chick she was with when she stormed off into the woods.  Sergio was still very skeptical, but didn’t care all that much because I wasn’t dating the bitch.

Got back to her place and I distinctly remember crushing several beers to make sure I would be mentally numb for the sexual encounter.  Closed the door to her room and she turned on a soft core porn. She definitely seemed in the mood to get it.

Started making out and playing around only for the bitch to tell me she was on her period.  WTF, why didn’t she relay those important details to me earlier?  I told her I forgot something in the car and drove home.  Fuck My Liver.