FML – Fuck My Liver

A friend of mine was hitting the magic number 30 and his wife had arranged a party at their house with the surprise of a party bus showing up to tote us around town.  Obviously I’m game for the festivities.

Being four years younger than these old heads, I started going hard immediately.  There’s no way they were going to keep up with me anyways.  We open the gift I got for him (Crown Royal) and binge alcohol for about an hour and a half.  What can only be described as a girlish shriek comes from my friends mouth when the bus arrives.  Everyone boards and we’re on our way downtown.

We hit one bar and continue ripping shots.  I’m already feeling it and it’s not even 11.  Everyone is getting pretty sauced right now so it’s time to head to the club.  We arrive and my friend hops the fence and goes through a side door, thinking that it’s hit right to enter for free since it’s his birthday.  I’m hoping I’m not going to have to chaperone people that are older than me, but soon I’ll be joining in on the antics.

The club scene is what you would expect.  The guys are shamelessly flirting with girls two-thirds their age and the women and wives are on top of the bar dancing.  After two more hours of this, I’m completely fucked.  The group wants to go to a local dive back by their house so we head out.  Members of the group are so drunk that they start pissing in the middle of the parking lot.   I mean, there aren’t even cars blocking them!  Jesus.

We board the bus and head to the local dive.  For some reason my friend thinks he’s Superman and can drink like he’s in college.  He orders us more Crown.  Before we’ve even taken them, he orders another round.  Two shots down and I feel the rumble.  What the fuck?  ‘I’ll be right back, I gotta take a piss.’  I briskly make my way to the bathroom and unload everything I drank that night into the stall, from my mouth.  Five minutes later, I emerge as if nothing happened.

Afterwards, we travel back to my buddy’s place so everyone can pass out.  Some people are already sleeping on the bus, while others are still up and dancing.  I can’t stop thinking about the fact that these thirty-somethings were able to go as hard as me all night.  Fuck, maybe I’m getting old too.  The only way I can think to console myself is to crack a beer when we get back.  Fuck my liver.