Fuck My Liver

Back in college I was quite the drinker. One of the many “traditions” at my University was that when you received your senior ring you took it the popular bar in town, ordered a pitcher of beer, sank your ring into the pitcher and subsequently had to drink your way to the bottom to get it out. So you could say that knowing how to drink was a requirement.

One night we were out drinking and listening to some live music when I was challenged by a guy as to how much we could drink without puking it back up. I’m often underestimated and in my wistful youth I take on the challenge.

We start drinking and we’re guzzling down all kinds of nonsense drinks like Pink Hurricanes and Long Island Iced Teas. We matched each other glass for glass and by the end of the night I’m feeling quite proud of myself. I know I’m totally wasted but yet no feelings of regurgitation can be found.

We pile into the car and my younger sister is gracious enough to drive around a bunch of drunk college kids. We decide we’re hungry and get in the drive-thru line at “Jack in the Box”. It’s after 2 a.m. and all the doors have been locked. If you want food, you’ve got to go through the drive-thru. It’s of course jammed packed as all the bars have closed down and suddenly I realize I have to pee, like really, really, can’t hold it, have to go now, kind of pee!

My sister is able to get out of line and we shoot across the street to the empty Walgreen’s parking lot. She drives around back and I jump out. Highly intoxicated and therefore not giving a shit I proceed to pull my pants down, squat, and pee right in the middle of the parking lot.

My friends starting laughing at me hysterically as I have no shame in how badly I needed to go. I’m mid stream and suddenly I get the giggles myself. Now I’m laughing so hard that fall over onto my side…still peeing! I try to brace myself with my hand but only proceed to damage my finger while hitting the ground.

Now everyone is REALLY laughing at me and I look down, thinking it’s funny, to see that I’ve now peed on myself. My sister gets pissed because now of course she has to give her pee smelling sister a ride back to the dorm.

The entire way back I’m holding out my index finger saying “my finger hurts; I think I did something to my finger; look at it guys, it’s big and purple”. Being that everyone was wasted they all simply thought it was funny.

I wake up the next morning, instantly reeking of pee, to find that I have broken my finger.

Fuck my liver…and my finger…

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