FML – Fuck My Liver

About two weeks ago, I was walking around the dorms here on campus and saw this kind of cute German girl.  I started talking with her a bit we ended up going to a party.  Pretty typical night, I got pretty plastered.

Now being a male, when she invites me in to her room my mind shifts into procreation mode. We jump on her bed and just before I begin to fuck her, she stops me and says “I don’t want this to just be a one night stand” …. FUCK!!! I just want to get this over with and go to bed.

Hindsight being 20/20 I should have just said “well, I do” but I’m thinking “this girl is German who knows what crazy shit she is into” I decide I want to find out.  I said to her “me neither” and we go at it much to my disappointment she laid there, and took it like a dead fish (which coincidentally is how I found this site after a frustrated search on Google).

I asked her if she wanted to try something new maybe she wanted to be on top.  She said no and except for some heavy breathing and a little twitch now and again I had no idea if she was enjoying this. I was getting frustrated, because I knew I couldn’t get off.  It was too weird humping a corpse, and that combined with a little whiskey dick made enjoying this impossible.

After I decided I had had enough, I got off her and low and behold she starts to cry. She gives some sap story about some previous sexual experience she had. The alarm bells start going off – ABANDON SHIP get the fuck out right now – but for some reason I can’t. I wake up the next morning to my pseudo-girlfirend, and realize how much shit I just got myself into.

I keep nailing this girl for another few days still holding on to my “Germans are crazy in bed stereotype.”  Finally, after a week I decide I can’t take it anymore. I try one more time to enjoy this and actually got aggravated during sex out of pure frustration. I have to end this somehow without looking like a dick but I’m pissed off and so I devise a little plan.

I live in a single room and don’t typically lock my door, so I leave for class but not before leaving this on my screen in Word:

“IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO FUCK….COUNT EM 1, 2 ITS LIKE FUCKING A DEAD FISH A LITTLE ENTHUSIASM WOULD BE APPRECIATED I CAN’T CONTINUE TO HUMP A FUCKING CORPSE.”

Knowing she would probably see this, so when I returned her and all of her friends left me some kind words on my door and threatened to fight me in the cafeteria. So much for not looking like a dick… Fuck my liver.