Fuck My Liver

It was during my senior year in college when i heard, and partially witnessed, one the most fucked up and funniest things ever in my life.

One Sunday morning, after an intense night of partying, I was walking home from my girlfriend’s house, nearly in the door, when I started to find the strangest assortment of personal items scattered across my driveway. First, I found a phone, common, then a digital camera, also common, but then a heel (wtf!), and another heel (WTF!). I gathered the things and walked inside.

I entered my house only to see my roommate lying there shirtless, and wrapped-up in a blanket with some girl on the ground in the middle of our family room. I chuckled and headed to my room to finish sleeping off the morning. Hours later I got up, eager to ask my friend about his drunken-hookup, and tell him about the strange things I found in our driveway. When I came back downstairs, the girl was gone, and so were the items I found. Things were starting to make sense.

I immediately woke my roommate and demanded an explanation. He said that he had come home from a party and passed out on the couch. Then, in the middle of the night, he was awoken by a rummaging noise in the kitchen. All he could see was some drunk, fat girl tearing through our fridge like a pack of lions over dead carcass.

Now, some part of the story got lost in translation, or just got lost all together.

He ends up fucking her, right on our family room floor, then they both pass out. “I don’t know what happened” he said. ” I just saw this girl going through our fridge, and then two minutes later, I was nailing her on the floor”.

After he finished telling me what had happened, we decided to check out the kitchen, to see what she had actually gotten in to. The damage was done, bigger than both of us had expected. Bags of chicken breasts torn open, salsa jars missing their lids, tubs of butter spilled over on their sides, hot pockets unwrapped but not cooked, the list goes on, all destroyed, left out and in the open to rot. We looked at each other with amazement.

Who was this bitch, JAWS? And, how fat was she really? Was she so wasted that she slammed into our cars and dropped all of her things? Or, was finding food the only way to save her own life in a time of desperation? How messed up was my roommate earlier that night? All of these questions, we will never know the answers to.

Fuck my liver.

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