FML – Fuck My Liver

Shortly after my college days, I was out on Valentine’s Day. The girl I was seeing at the time and I were on a break.  We had gone out to dinner as part of the whole, “It’s V-Day and even though we aren’t together right now, we should still go out to dinner instead of being alone” thing.  Whatever.  Nothing interesting happened there and things weren’t exactly patched up.  Afterwards, I knew some of my friends were out, so I headed to the bar.  She offered to hang out, but I wasn’t really in the mood to be out with her, so I sent her on her way since we were in separate cars.

Once inside, I caught up with my friends and let the drinking begin.  It was a fairly tame evening for a while as we continued to drink and rip cheap shots.  One of my frat brothers was trying to get on this tight brunette at the bar, but I guess it wasn’t going so well.  At one point, he went to the bathroom and she walked up to me.  “You’re really cute,” she told me.  This was the first thing either of us had said to each other.  The alcohol was starting to kick and so was my game.  We flirted for a few minutes and then she grabbed me and started making out with me.  Nice.  But I knew my boy was talking to her, so I started to feel a little guilty.  Then I realized that she obviously wasn’t that interested in him, so I put the guilt behind me.  If he’s not going to get it, I may as well try, right?

She went back to her friends for a bit and we continued to drink.  After a while, I was ready to leave.  The bar wasn’t that sweet and I figured that I would try to take little Ms. Make-Out home with me.  There was a slight problem though.  I was staying out at my parent’s house over the weekend and had my mother’s Jeep out with me, which I had to get back that night.  So I approach her and ask her if she wants to get out of there.  She tells me that she does, but that she doesn’t want my boy to see us leave together since she was talking to him.  I guess she didn’t want to hurt his feelings (like he wouldn’t find out anyways).  I tell her that I’ll say my goodbyes and head out and for her to come out five minutes later and walk around the corner.  She obliges, I leave to get the car, and meet her outside about five minutes later.

She gets in the car and asks if we are heading back to my place.  My place is thirty mintues away and she’s not really willing to come all the way out there.  I recommend us going back to her place.  She informs me that she shares a room with another girl in her apartment so we can’t head back there.  Shit.  We start driving around and I end up heading just a few blocks away to a parking lot by the river.  It’s late as hell and no one is going to be back there so I figure why not.  She’s game to ‘hang out’ there as well.

I park the car and we talk a little bit.  Then I reach over, grab her, and start kissing her.  I start the ‘hands-on’ approach and she unbuttons my pants.  I ask her if she wants to get in the back seat and we both climb back.  She’s going down on me when I remember that the back seat folds down.  I pull the seat down and we get to business.  Good news here, she’s a freak and she’s great in the sack (or the car).  We go at it for a good forty minutes, hitting every angle you could think of.  We even had to take an intermission so that she could get out of the car and piss.  I know, classy right?

As I’m getting close to busting, I ask her where she wants it.  Then she tells me not to go on her.  Really?  This is the first time I’ve ever had a girl tell me that I couldn’t go on them, let alone in them somewhere.  She tells me that it’s gross and she’ll kill me if I go on her.  Taken aback, I reluctantly let loose into some tissues when I’m ready.  We get our clothes back on and hop in the front seats to head home.

As I pull out (no pun intended), a parked car that was behind us seemed to have a light on, but I couldn’t tell if anyone was in there or not.  If there was, they definitely got a good show, but I’ll never be sure.  I drive her back to her apartment and drop her off before heading back to my parent’s place.  Thankfully, she would end up being a repeat customer.  Fuck my liver.