FML – Fuck My Liver

One of my friends starting talking to a girl we went to college with a while back.  Nothing serious at all, but she had a decent friend and I obviously wanted “in”.  She was the type of girl that you could tell had daddy issues, with fake blond hair and huge fake bitties.  She seemed interested so the four of us planned a double-date of sorts for dinner.  We meet up at a Japanese restaurant to kick off the evening.

It was brutal.  These girls couldn’t have been more annoying.  All dinner conversation revolved around the most mundane topics, nothing overly interesting.  We’re throwing back Japanese beer to dumb ourselves down.  After what seems like seven hours, dinner is over.  My friend and I split the check and we all roll out.

The girls decide on the next stop, a half-club/half-bar spot.  The girls head to the restroom and my friend and I start ripping shots.  Once the girls come back, we join them in on the shitshow.  Now that we’re starting to get faded, we are getting along nicely.  I’m casually teasing this girl and she’s digging it.  Then I hit a soft spot.  I have no idea what I said, but she gets upset and starts crying to her friend.  Really?  Ten minutes later, she’s over it.  More shots!

I sometimes forget that my tolerance is much higher than most girls and feed this girl one too many Washington Apples.  She’s dry-humping me to the music by the pool table.  There are about 20 people around just watching us.  She tells me to kiss her.  Now I’m not the type for PDA, but she swore she would leave if I didn’t.  I’ve put in too much work for that, suck it up, and start making out at the bar.  I even know it at the time: I’m that guy.

The bar is shutting down and the girls invite us to their place for the afterparty.  Me and this girl continue our make-out session in the back of my friend’s car on the way.  Once at the house, I’m left alone with her on the couch.  She’s completely into me.  And I’m completely into getting with a girl with fake breasts.  Things are “going well” as I have her topless, skirt up.

Then she asks me to stop.  What the fuck?  “What’s up?”, I ask.  “Hold on.  Just stop for a minute.  Oh, God!  Get me the trash can!”  Are you fucking kidding me?  She starts vomiting into the trash what vaguely smells like Washington Apples.  Go figure.  This continues for about 10 minutes until I’ve had enough.  I leave her with her head in the can, go outside to have a cigarette, and grab a beer on the way.  Fuck my liver.