FML – Fuck My Liver

Sometimes knowing the right people gets you out of trouble.  But it’s even better when you completely bullshit the police into making them believe your uncle is judge and he’d be screwed to arrest you.

Ace and I are at this club and we are way too drunk.  It’s one of those clubs where everyone is wearing $100 Ed Hardy t-shirts but put $5 of gas in their cars at a time.  Not really my type of place.  The only way I make it enjoyable is to get drunk.

As we exit, I realize I really got to go.  I mean really bad.  I walk down a side street, and I make sure to look both ways like I’m telling a bad joke.  Coast is clear so I begin the process.

As I begin to unzip, and reach in… I see a cop.  FUCK.  He shines his flashlight on me and now I see he is with 3 other pigs.  They storm over, and I press me up against a wall and search me.  One pig in particular is just a fucking dick.  He’s the guy who was picked on in high school, short and fat and a total asshole. The kind of guy who joins the force so that now he can be a dick and carry a gun.

Let me make it clear now, that I had not even relieved myself in public or put “it” out there. This dickhead doesn’t care.  He finds my college ID, and my college is locally known for their law school.  He immediately assumes I am going to be a lawyer, and I am rich (he’s an idiot), and begins to tell me about how I have committed a sexual offense by exposing myself to minors.  I have never studied law, but knowing that there aren’t minors around the club at 2AM, or I hadn’t exposed anything makes this an easy battle.

I stand by my story.  I tell him to shine his light and look for my stream.  He doesn’t care, continues saying it’s his word against mine and I’m going to jail at least for the weekend.  He continues to berate me for my stupidity (ironic) and starts taking down my information.  This idiot keeps telling me I will have to register as a sex offender, and I will never get a job in law.  Pittsburgh’s finest…

Fuck this idiot. I’ve seen him at local, college watering holes when he is off-duty, shitfaced and hitting on under-agers. Total 30-something year old scumbag.

I called his bluff. I start ranting about how my uncle is a judge in our county and this shit is never going to fly with him.  I even drop a name, the same name of the last judge who saw me after my last run in with the law.  Good… he only knows his name, and doesn’t actually know him.

Getting bold now… I tell him most of family are lawyers and I am just following in their footsteps.  “Do you really want to waste your time with this? I have a witness, and you have your eye sight at over 20 feet away in the dark.”

They just look at us, and I can’t tell if I am about to catch a billy club to the teeth, but immediately my things are handed back.  We are told to head home.

My shots were to him the rest of the weekend… Fucker.