FML – Fuck My Liver

A couple of years ago, it was playoff hockey atmosphere here in Pittsburgh.  A couple of my friends (including Sergio) got tickets to go to one of the second round games, which happened to start in the early afternoon on a Sunday. We head to the bar nice and early and start drinking pitchers. Our boy was working the bar, so the beer was flowing for free. A couple of hours later the bar is packed. Yinzers are cramming into the bar and putting classic rock on the Jukebox. Although we too are from Pittsburgh, we think it would be funny to mess with these people and start playing NSync and Backstreet Boys on the Jukebox. You may have had to be there, but this was priceless. People in the bar were genuinely pissed. One guy was even yelling, “Who the fuck played this?” Hilarious.

We head to the hockey game and continue our tirade.  Beers are being double-fisted and all is well.  Our Pens win the game 2-0 and we are blasted by this point.  On the way out, we’re chanting, “LET’S GO DRINK! LET’S GO DRINK!” to the tune of the ’Let’s Go Pens!’ chant.  Parents are pulling their children away from our direction.  We head back to the bar that we started at to get some food and continue to drink.  A couple of girls that we went to college are chilling there, having also gone to the game.  We start chatting and invite them to go to another bar with us.  Let me be up front and tell you that these girls are not what you would describe as attractive.

Shots are rung up at the next bar as we continue to drink.  No one is out partying, but we don’t care.  This continues for a few more hours until we head to another bar.  At the next bar, one of the girls starts flirting with me.  I’m completely game for this at the time as I’m toasted.  Sergio is upstairs playing darts when he spots me with my arm around what he thought was his future slumpbuster.  Plump would be the polite way to describe her.  To make matters worse, I’m throwing lime wedges at him from downstairs.  Apparently this really upset him, but I couldn’t care less at this point.

It’s finally the end of the night and time to head home.  As if my decision-making wasn’t already in question, she asks me if I want to go with her to drop her friend off and then she can come back with me.  I’m game.  We leave the bar and my roommate sees me from across the street.  His jaw nearly hits the pavement when he sees my arm around this monstrosity.  I give him a casual wave and continue on my way.

We head back and then she informs me that she needs to drop her car off at the repair shop overnight.  She asks me to drive her father’s Lexus and follow her.  I don’t know what was going through my head at this point, but I oblige.  She drops the car off and gets in the passenger seat.  I then proceed to drive the twenty minutes home.  Nearing my place, there is a turn in the road with a grate to the right.  I completely slam into it.  BOOM!  The car continues to go and I’m relieved that nothing happened to the car.  I apologize and she tells me not to worry about it.  I could’ve drove the car off of a cliff and this girl wouldn’t care.  That’s how bad she wanted to hook up.

Back at my place, we change and head to bed.  We start to make out for a little bit.  Drinking for that long all day will make you tired.  And the hour or so driving without alcohol helped me sober up to the “What the fuck did I bring this girl home for?” point.  Then I inform her that I have to go to sleep since I have work in the morning.  She couldn’t have been more disappointed.  I actually had taken the next day off anyways, but didn’t want her there with me all morning.  Fuck my liver…and drunk decision-making.