Fuck My Liver

We’ve all been at a point in the night where things start to become less fun as you continue to drink.  The slope of the drinking-to-fun graph would look something like a hill, with a steady uphill climb and then a quicker falloff on the back-end.

It’s important to drink just enough to hit that ‘peak’ where you are in the zone and having a blast with your friends, but not causing a scene.

On the nights that you are rolling down the other side of that hill (most nights that The Hoss drinks), it’s going to be hard to realize that it’s time to leave the bar.  Print out this page or write these reasons on your hand and take them to the bar.  Hell, maybe where a shirt that says “Call me a cab if any of these happen:”  Whatever you do, make sure you leave upon the completion of any these events.

You vomit anywhere you’re at, including the bathroom

There is no reason to stay out after a hurl session.  Your body is trying to tell you that you’re poisoning yourself.  Heed the advice.  If you’ve had so much to drink that this happens, then someone needs to call you a cab.  Many of us have made the excuses to stay out:  “My dinner isn’t agreeing with me.”  “It was that last shot. I should switch to beer.”  Many think that throwing up is a good thing and claim that they can “rally” afterwards.  I’ve actually thrown up down the stairs at a bar…and it was horrible.  I don’t care if you think you were discreet or you cleaned yourself up well.  That stink will be on your breath all night.  And who’s to say it won’t happen again if you’re hooking up with that girl you’ve settled for?

You get into a fight

I’ve stated here in the past that I hate when people fight at the bars (even though we’ve all been a part of it).  And I strongly believe that if you get into or instigate a fight, it’s time to take off.  It happens to both guys and girls.  Most people go out drinking to have a good time and being a hard-ass isn’t going to help them to do that.  The fact of the matter is that girls hate when dudes fight.  This isn’t Jersey Shore.  You’re not going to look cool or win some girl over by fighting or talking shit.  If you can’t go out to chill with your friends without instigating, then don’t go out.

You break a glass or bottle

You can usually tell when someone breaks a bottle because of being drunk rather than just being clumsy.  If you’re simply standing next to someone and you drop your bottle, walk straight out the exit.  Your motor skills aren’t even functioning enough to grip.  I hope you aren’t driving this evening.  When you drop a bottle, a few things happen.  First of all, you may just get kicked out if you’re that slammed and won’t have the option to leave.  If you aren’t removed, the waitstaff will probably start to make your drinks lighter since you won’t notice the difference, but you’ll still be paying full price.  They are also the ones that have to clean up after your mess.  Lastly, you’ve just become that guy.  In a large club, you may be able to migrate to another part of the bar where others haven’t seen you.  But anyone around you is going to know that you’re drunk and your advances towards women will be scoffed at.  Don’t even try heading to the dance floor.

It’s 1:45am and you don’t have a girl

If you’re still roaming around the bar ten minutes until close looking for a meaningful one-night relationship, then just head out and start booty texting.  It’s not worth it to try to pick up the straglers that are still remaining.  Usually any single girls that were worth picking up will have already left with another dude or their friends while you were trying to build up your liquid confidence.  The girls that are left are still there for a reason: either they are with a group of hammered friends which includes their boyfriend or they are a behemoth.  It’s better to just leave the bar a few minutes early so you don’t look like the creepy guy trying to pick up a girl in one sentence or less.  Acting like that is not going to win them over.  So next time, make sure you start your attempts to get laid a little earlier, which brings me to my next point.

It’s anytime before 1:45am and you do have a girl

If you’ve been charming some girl for a while, there’s no reason to stick around for too long.  She’s obviously already interested if you’ve been chatting it up.  If you haven’t asked her back to your place, now is the time.  Waiting around for that extra time is just going to lead to an awkward moment outside of the bar when she’s getting ready to leave with her friends.  Pull the trigger earlier and maybe she’ll pull yours.  It’s also going to be ten times easier to get a cab if you leave before the 2:00am mad dash, at which point you may end up standing outside for an hour.  Even if she’s not coming back with you, save some face by getting her number and leaving.  You will still avoid that awkward moment that’s coming at the end of the night.  You also get the chance to head out before the conversation turns and you’re both standing there uncomfortably.  This is also the only time that I can condone that you head to another bar, assuming you haven’t already committed any of the first four reasons to head home.

You might also like

The Plump Penguins Fan A couple of years ago, it was playoff hockey atmosphere here in Pittsburgh.  A couple of my friends...

Baltimore Wedding: Part 1 (Blonde Hookup) Month: October          Venue: Baltimore, Outdoor Wedding          Main Draw:...

The Night I Zidaned ‘Douche’ Back in college, I had been dating a girl for about a year.  Things were, as I thought at the time,...

Sex in a Jeep, Down By the River Shortly after my college days, I was out on Valentine's Day. The girl I was seeing at the time...