Fuck My Liver

It’s 1:30am on the weekend.  You’re feeling fucked up and know that the bar/club will be closing soon.

After spending all night working up the courage to talk to girls or getting shot down, you hit that point where you realize that you’re not taking one home with you.  So in a final, desperate attempt to have sloppy sex with a girl and give your wrist a break, you whip out your…no, not that…your phone.

Calling a girl this late at night comes off as too obvious and can quickly backfire.  She’s going to ask you all those annoying questions like, ‘Why didn’t you call me earlier if you wanted to see me?’.  And she’s going to be able to hear just how fucked up you are when you’re hiccupping and your friends are calling you a homo in the background.  If you’re still at the bar, you’re not going to be able to hear each other anyway.

Reverting to a text is the best solution here as you can save some face if she doesn’t respond.  But you need to make sure that you spur interest.  You’re not the only one trying to score, so you need to stick out from the crowd.  The “Wat r u up 2?” isn’t going to cut it this late at night.  Let me also recommend that you text a few girls earlier in the evening.  Simply asking what they are doing that night will show that you were thinking about them sober.  This will improve your chances of meeting should you happen to drunk text them.  So without further ado, here are my top 5 sexts to send to girls when you’re blasted.  These are in no particular order:

“Hey, could you grab milk on the way back?”

You’re probably wondering what the hell this has to do with hooking up.  Stay with me.  Once you text this to a girl, she’s going to send back, ‘What?’  Then you can reply, “Sorry, that was meant for someone else. What are you doing tonight?”  This method gets you the response first, before you ask what she’s doing.  This makes it harder for her to ignore you since she’s already responded once.  Now you have to figure out a proper invite to get her to hang out.  I have to credit this idea to Aaron Karo, the same guy I got blasted with in Night Out with a Comedian.

“Afterpartying?”

This usually works best if you’ve already ran into a girl that was out that night.  Maybe she was out on a ‘girls night out’ and couldn’t really talk.  But you should have done a little casual flirting.  After seeing that all the other guys at the bar tended to be douchebags, she may have wished you had stayed.  Or maybe her and her friends headed back to do a little drinking after the bar closed.  Hell, maybe even the girl she was with left to hook up with another guy and she’s feeling vulnerable.  Whatever the reason, suggesting an afterparty can be a shot in the dark.  But you’re hammered, what the fuck do you care?

“Hey, is your man out of town?”

This one is purely to spark interest and may work better when you aren’t shit-hammered.  But it can still be effective later in the night.  The girl, whether she has a man or not, will obviously send back a confused response.  Upon receiving, apologize and tell her that the text was meant for someone else. Then in the same fashion as the “Pick up milk” text, ask her what she’s getting into.  You have to know your audience a little here though.  Some girls will really be turned on by this comment.  They are going to think to themselves: ”Who is this other girl? What does Ace have to offer me? His confidence is off the charts.”  This just may spur an invitation to join her for some post-bar coital.

“[Insert Girl's Name]…?”

This one seems a little lame.  And it is.  But I’m stressing the fact that you need to get the girl to respond to you before you start pushing for a hook-up.  While there are definitely girls out there that will answer to, “Want to find my secret spot?”, most will disregard your lame attempt and probably shun you from possible future nookie.  Saying her name with the ellipsis and question mark implies that you have something to ask her.  This is good because if she does answer, you’ll know she’s interested and you can continue the chase.  Relatedly, if she doesn’t respond, she has no proof that you were just about to text-bang her.  Then when she responds in the morning about how she was sleeping or passed out, you can tell her that you were wondering something else. (That’s up to you to fabricate.  I can only take you so far.)

“[Insert girly movie], wine, my place?”

It’s a proven fact that girls love romantic comedies and that girls love wine.  And now you’re bringing them both together.  This is the next step up from the college move: “Want to do shots upstairs in my room?”   This text will mostly work with girls whose friends just went home with their husbands/boyfriends/one-night-stands.  She’s going to feel a bit lonely once she realizes that her friends will be in someone’s arms while she sleeps alone at home.  By adding a romantic comedy and wine, you put yourself above the echelon of guys that are just asking her to come over and blow them like Pearl Harbor.  She’ll just think that you’re a sweet guy who wants someone to spend the night with.  That is, until she gets to your place…but then it will already be ‘game over’.

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